When tragedy strikes or a loved one finds themselves struggling with something, it can be difficult to know how to help. It’s normal to feel an overwhelming desire to ease the pain of our loved ones. There is so much internal discomfort that comes with seeing someone we care about hurting and the experience of helplessness to fix it for them. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, our efforts to ease their pain don’t have the desired effect. This can be confusing and frustrating for all parties.
If you’ve found yourself in this situation, I hope this blog will help you start to navigate a way toward more connection with your loved one. And while each person has unique needs, there are some general things that we can do to be more helpful to our loved ones when they are struggling.
Start with Self-Reflection
I believe that we are most helpful when we can be self-reflective enough to know when our responses are coming from a place of our own discomfort or past experiences. Before calling or going to see your loved one, you might take a minute to check in with what you’re feeling in relation to their struggle. What do you want to instinctively do or say? What feeling is driving that? If someone did or said that to you, would it feel helpful? Is a past trauma or experience of your own being triggered here? How can you manage your own emotional response without projecting it onto your loved one?
Focus on Creating Connection, rather than Fixing
The thing is, we often can’t fix or solve the things that cause our loved ones so much pain. Deep down, we know this. And it’s so difficult to accept. It’s so difficult to sit with and witness pain. In the face of this helplessness, we often resort to saying things that we hope will lighten the heaviness of the pain we see. “She’s an angel in heaven now,” “Life won’t give you anything you can’t handle,” “Time heals all wounds,” “It could have been worse, “ “What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger,” “God has a plan in all of this,” “It just wasn’t meant to be,” “Better to have loved and lost….”
Or we try to give advice and ideas about how to improve their situation. We hope these things will be soothing, but they often fall flat. Because there are no words we can say to end their suffering. And it’s so important that we don’t let our own discomfort with pain cause us to send the message that our loved ones aren’t allowed to feel what they are feeling, no matter how deep and dark and excruciating it may be.
“Here’s the deal. The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is. When we make that kind of deep bow to the soul of a suffering person, our respect reinforces the soul’s healing resources, the only resources that can help the sufferer make it through.” -Parker Palmer
When our loved ones are struggling, what they need most is connection. A companion who will sit in the darkness with them, not to fix it but to communicate, “you aren’t alone in this.”
So, how can you create this connection?
-Be available to spend intentional, quality time with your loved one. The gift of your presence and attention is the most meaningful thing you can offer.
-Ask them what would feel helpful and/or follow their lead on what they need in the moment—do they want to talk about it, be distracted for a while, or just sit in silence?
-Give them space to share about how they are feeling without trying to fix it. Let them decide when they are ready to talk. You can’t force this one.
-Validate their feelings and experiences. (“I can see how you’d feel that way,” “That sounds so hard,” “That makes sense”)
-Be patient. Don’t try to rush someone out of their pain. There is no time limit on these things. People must feel as deeply and for as long as they need to, as they heal.
-Send a text or call to let them know you’re thinking of them, without any pressure that they respond.
-Drop off some nurturing items for self-care (teas, bath bombs, journal, candles, etc)
Offer Specific, Practical Support
When someone is struggling or grieving, they often need support with day-to-day tasks, like preparing meals, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. It’s common for us to say things like “let me know if you need anything,” hoping that they will reach out when they do. Unfortunately, when people are in pain they often have difficulty identifying what they need and some people find it very difficult to reach out for help. It might be more helpful to be specific about what you can do and when.
Ex. “I can drop off dinner for you on Wednesday night. Would that be okay with you?”
“I can come by and walk the dogs tomorrow around lunch. Does that work for you?”
“I can help do dishes and laundry on Saturday, if that would be helpful to you.”
I hope this has helped you find a starting place with how to show up for your loved ones. You won’t be perfect at it. None of us will. Don’t let the fear of messing up or saying something unhelpful cause you to pull away and avoid your struggling loved ones. More than anything, they just need you there.
When in doubt, you can always ask how you can be helpful. And the mere fact that you have read this blog shows that you care deeply and want to be supportive. I imagine that this is already felt by your loved one.