Traumatic Aloneness in Religious Trauma

Religious trauma occurs when someone encounters some type of traumatic or stressful religious experience(s). The term “religious trauma” can sometimes be vague or confusing, and I often prefer to think of it as a distinct form of relational trauma (with existential elements) because it isn’t necessarily the religion itself that causes the trauma, but the interpersonal dynamics involved in the way in which a group of people engages with a particular religion that can have deleterious outcomes. This is most often experienced in religious setting where power and control dynamics are at play. Religious spaces that use indoctrination as a way of creating a sense of “belonging” set people up for a host of psychic and interpersonal conflicts that can overwhelm the ego’s ability to cope.

 

People experiencing the effects of a religious trauma can often feel bewildered by the intensity of their symptoms and reactions. There is often a sense that they shouldn’t be so impacted by it and there aren’t many widely held frameworks for helping people understand why this is so incredibly disruptive to their mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.

 

In the 1930s, psychoanalyst Sandor Ferenczi was writing about trauma and what he found were the elements that made certain experiences the most traumatic for his patients. What he found was that it was “traumatic aloneness” that truly “rendered an attack traumatic.” What I believe he means by this is that an event feels most traumatic when there is the absence of a trusted, caring figure to support the person in the aftermath.

 

In my work, I have found that people are not often heard or validated when they discuss emotional or psychological injuries they are experiencing within their faith communities. Religious groups that operate primarily within the bounds of indoctrination, by nature, do not leave much room for questioning/dissent/criticism of leadership/etc. This lends conversations about damaging experiences within the group to be rife with gaslighting, minimizing, denying, and blame shifting. In these cases, people often become confused by the denial and hypocrisy of the offender. Out of fear, they may identify with the offender’s denial. However, they remain aware of how this denial contradicts their own experience of the event and, as a result, they end up doubting their own perceptions. This results in a sort of “traumatic confusion,” where what is real becomes difficult to discern. This, combined with the denial of the person’s suffering leads to the “traumatic aloneness” that makes these experiences so acutely damaging.

 

Given enough of these experiences, some people may find themselves considering the idea of leaving their church/religious group or faith altogether. And here, we find additional layers of traumatic aloneness threaten the psyche. The process of leaving a church or religious group almost invariably results in the loss of relationships that were once vital in a person’s support structure. Any person who has left a church is keenly aware of the loss they are facing. For some people, this is their primary form of community and they find themselves feeling painfully alone in the world after leaving the group.  

But I think there is also an element of “traumatic existential aloneness” that is critical to understanding the impact of religious trauma. Many people think about God as a being who is with them all the time, looking out for them and offering unconditional love. Religion also offers people a structure with which to think about death and the after-life (i.e. where will they go, who will be there with them, and how pleasant/unpleasant it will be). Questions about whether God is real or whether there is an after-life can induce feelings of existential aloneness (i.e. I really am alone in this world. No one is looking after me—not even God. I have no one to turn to.) and fears about where they will spend eternity, if there is one. When one leaves a religion, they aren’t just facing the traumatic aloneness in losing their support structure and sense of community after having endured abusive experiences within the group, they are also facing the traumatic aloneness of eternity without their loved ones or their benevolent God.

 

For all of these reasons, I wonder, “how could we *not* expect people to be showing signs of intense emotional and psychological distress in the wake of religious trauma?” The impacts of this phenomenon cannot be understated.

 

 

 

Source: https://www.alsf-chile.org/Indepsi/Articulos/Trauma-Abuso/Ferenczis-Trauma-Theory.pdf

 

 

Supporting a Loved One

When tragedy strikes or a loved one finds themselves struggling with something, it can be difficult to know how to help. It’s normal to feel an overwhelming desire to ease the pain of our loved ones. There is so much internal discomfort that comes with seeing someone we care about hurting and the experience of helplessness to fix it for them. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, our efforts to ease their pain don’t have the desired effect. This can be confusing and frustrating for all parties.

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, I hope this blog will help you start to navigate a way toward more connection with your loved one. And while each person has unique needs, there are some general things that we can do to be more helpful to our loved ones when they are struggling.

Finding A Therapist

With the new year, comes lots of new goals. Some might find themselves finally ready to take a leap of courage and find a therapist who can help them heal old wounds or break away from unhelpful patterns and habits. This is often a very vulnerable and challenging task. How do you know what to look for? As someone in the field, I thought it might be helpful to provide a few things to look for in finding a therapist.

“Can you hear me now?”: Communication and Emotional Connection in Relationships

Relationships are a part of life. One could even argue that relationships are one of the biggest parts of our lives. The desire for connection with another human being is literally wired into our DNA. Recent research has shown that the experience of loneliness even has negative impacts on our physical health, raising our risk for heart disease, arthritis, diabetes, dementia, etc. But I probably don’t need to spend much time convincing you that relationships are important. There is no doubt that you are impacted by them (or the lack thereof) every day.

So, we all know that relationships are important. But, I bet most of us also know that they can be incredibly complicated and difficult at times. The thing is, you don’t have to be lacking in relationships in order to experience loneliness. Many of us know the pain of feeling incredibly lonely, despite being surrounded by others or in the same room as our partner/spouse. We don’t just need proximity in our relationships. We need connection. We need to feel fully heard, seen, and understood. But we aren’t often taught how to do that well.

Weathering the Winter Blues

Winter can be a tough time for many people. Feelings of sadness, low energy, apathy, and a desire to hibernate away from the world are common. I see this as part of the normal and natural rhythm of life and I’m hesitant to ever pathologize this experience. If we really look at the realities of winter, it seems completely understandable that our bodies and brains would respond this way. We are getting a lot less sunlight in the winter, it’s cold, sometimes wet, the holidays (while also bringing great things) are draining, financial strains often increase, we are stuck inside a lot, it’s dark by the time many of us get off work, and the list could go on.

Many of us are tempted to shame ourselves for not feeling or doing our best during this season, but that really only adds suffering to an already difficult season. So, I’d like to share some ways that we can weather the winter season with a little more ease.

Religious Trauma and Spiritual Abuse

Religion and spirituality are important aspects of life for many people. As a part of this, many people choose to be a part of group gatherings with others who hold similar beliefs about religion and spirituality (i.e. church, mass, mosque, synagogue, congregation, etc.). These gatherings can provide a sense of community, connection, belonging, purpose, and spiritual connectedness. In a healthy state, many people find their experiences in these groups to be deeply enriching. However, when these groups are operating in an unhealthy state, they have great potential for wounding.

Scattered, Overwhelmed, & Disconnected: How To Be in A World Focused On Doing

We live in a fast-paced world. Efficiency, productivity, and exhaustion are our symbols of success, status, and worthiness. We are constantly bombarded with information. Sometimes to the point that our brains have trouble filtering out what is important and what isn’t. We are constantly moving from one task or obligation to the next, all while keeping a running “to do” list in our head.

It’s no wonder that we find ourselves feeling scattered, overwhelmed, and disconnected.

“Don’t Shrink. Don’t Puff Up. Just Stand Your Sacred Ground.”

When we are feeling anxious, insecure, criticized, ashamed, or threatened, we all have a default response to protect ourselves. Sometimes we shrink---make ourselves small, apologize when not at fault, hide our own needs/wants/feelings, or try to become invisible. Sometimes we puff up—become defensive, refuse to take responsibility, pretend to be something we’re not or “better” than those around us.

These are both understandable responses. We learned them for a reason and at some point in life, they kept us safe. But sometimes we find ourselves stuck in these patterns of response that keep us from staying true to ourselves, feeling seen in relationships, or being able to see the other person in the relationship. They keep us from being vulnerable, and without vulnerability we cannot experience authentic connection.

I'm Challenging My "Negative" Thoughts. So, Why Don't I Feel Better?

We all struggle with “negative” thoughts. The degrees might vary, but we’ve all had an experience where we thought something along the lines of “I’ll never succeed at this,” “No one really likes/loves me,” or “I’m not beautiful/handsome enough“. These thoughts are painful. They evoke deep emotional experiences of shame and unworthiness. Which, in turn, cause us to withdraw, defend, or overcompensate.

In seeking help for dealing with these thoughts, we are usually told that we need to fight back against the thoughts. Try not to think them. Challenge them. Prove them to be untrue, so we can wriggle ourselves out of their suffocating grip. For some of us this work just fine. But for some of us it doesn't.

It's Okay to Not be Okay

Most of my clients are going through some really difficult stuff. But at some point, I still hear them say some version of, “I probably shouldn’t feel this way,” “I know it shouldn’t affect me this much,” or “I feel like I should be over it by now.”

We don’t come to believe these things on our own. We get a lot of messages in our culture and from the people around us about how we should handle our pain and tragedies. We are often told how to feel, how long we should feel that way, and at what point we should be “back to normal.” But I want to push back on some of this, because I think it’s really damaging.

Emotional Traumas and Attachment Styles: How They Impact Your Relationships

We are inherently social creatures, wired for connection. From the moment we are conceived, our survival is dependent upon another human being. The characteristics of our relationships with our primary caregivers has great bearing on our emotional development and future romantic relationships. When there is a rupture in this child/parent relationship, our brains and bodies respond as if our survival is at stake (because it is). If these ruptures are significant or chronic, it often results in relational/emotional trauma and an insecure attachment.

What is Going on With My Kid?!--And What to Expect When Taking Your Teen to Counseling

Adolescence is a really difficult time for parents. It feels as though your child has changed over night. Suddenly, they act like they are allergic to you. They are trying to establish their own identity, which means they are doing everything they can to distance themselves from you. It can be painful and confusing. First, I want to reassure you that this is completely normal.

Navigating Emotions

Emotions are a powerful and important part of the human experience. I like to think of emotions as messages that inform our experiences in the world. They tell us when danger is near, when something positive has happened in our lives, when we need connection, when we have taken on too many obligations, and so much more. Learning healthy ways of navigating and relating to our emotions is a really important piece of our well-being.  

What to Expect When Going to Therapy

Going to therapy for the first time or seeing a new therapist for the first time can be really anxiety producing. Sometimes, part of that is just not knowing what to expect. If you find yourself feeling nervous about our first meeting, please know that that is completely normal.  Here are a few things to help give you an idea of what our sessions will be like.